Stay close to me while the sky is falling
I feel numb and broken-hearted. I have no place nor understanding for my grief, confusion, feeling of overwhelmed-I-can't-breathe-ness of the Loss of life in the Indian Ocean. 80,000 people, I can't even imagine it. I can't even imagine it, I can't fathom it, my mind starts to twitch when i think of it -- all I can do is feel.
I feel empty, angry, fragmented, depleted, scared, and very, very sad.
The pastor of this church was on our local Air America station this morning. I agreed with so much of what he said; disagreed with so much else. Sometimes I feel trapped in the theology I was raised in -- If I could just let go of the literalist connections I have with the Bible, I'd fit in so well. Instead, I have those real beliefs, I hold onto them as evidence of God being bigger than me, bigger than us -- but they get in the way when I seek compassion, justice, tolerance.
Open an account quickly and easily – you could be set up and trading forex today.Some day I will feel at home some where.
It is a Sarah McLachlan day today here in San Diego. Rainy, windy, with a vague sense of loss and longing in the air. Her voice and lyrics wash over me and i feel immersed.
"The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle
I'll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able"
I guess, in the end, that's all any of us can do. Bring what we are able, and trust that it is somehow enough.
Happy New Year.
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Dec 27, 2004 :: 6:19 pm
I imagine myself with a great public
As an english major and psychiatric patient, I have an obligatory fondness for Sylvia Plath. I found this article quite fascinating:
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Dec 24, 2004 :: 6:02 pm
candy canes all made with red dye number three
I'm over at the in-laws, hiding in a corner with a laptop. The house is full of people--I can't seem to find a commonality with everyone. I feel almost as if I am watching everyone through some kind of gauze filter.
Earlier I went and stood out in the darkness, looking at the lights throughout the neighborhood. They were beautiful, and my mind drifted to the many letters I have received since writing Stumbling Toward Faith.
Lately I haven't had a chance to write back to the letters, I have been exhausted since Eric's surgery, and struggling to simply make it through the days. A sense of depression has enveloped me, and I am battling it, but I feel chronically worn out and depleted.
At any rate, the mail has been life-changing for me. I am in honour of people who tell me their stories, I am in honour of the stories themselves, and I am grateful to be a person who has been a part of breaking so many people's silences.
Thank you all for being a part of my life.
I'm off to have the obligatory christmas eve lasagna, but my thoughts remain with all of you.
Lights in darkness, indeed.
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Dec 22, 2004 :: 1:05 pm
My New Year's Resolution
My new year's resolution this year is to bring proper capitalisation back to my life. I have spent quite a long time (and written an entire book!) with shoddy, sloppy, all lower-case writing. I love doing it (I think I love it a little too much), but I am realising how lazy I am becoming, and how, I am beginning to lose my capability to use proper capitalisation.
So, look forward to proper case sentence structure, and a lot of mistakes. Let's see if I can even do this!
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Dec 18, 2004 :: 9:05 am
god & sinners reconciled
i moved offices this week. i went from a solitary, quiet place to a spot in the middle of (what feels like) everything.
at one point yesterday, i had meetings on both sides of me, and the combined chatter and energy of other people sent me scurrying to the chapel for a few minutes to catch my breath.
i am grateful to be included in the midst of things. i know that i will benefit greatly from the conversation, the involvement, the community, and the closeness, but it is a definite change for me. it will be a challenge to transition gracefully.
last night i went to my first shabbot, and i found myself resting in the quiet of the ritual. it was beautiful, and i became aware, in those moments, of the many untied, dangling threads inside of me.
as we talked around the table, the conversation drifted to the mysterious nature of god, and how god sometimes is treated as a "home-boy," a friend with whom we can just "hang." we were talking about god's limitlessness, the depths to which god is, and as we were talking about the birth, about the incarnation, i said, "god allowed himself to be defined in jesus."
this perspective changes things for me. if this mysterious, big, limitless god stepped into human frailty and limits and smallness, how important was that person he became?
and of course, i know that... this is the essence of "the gospel," but to think of it in terms of limitless and limited, and non-definitive and defined -- it makes the edges around jesus all the more important.
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